Saturday, 29 August 2009

A shout out for a shut up

My pet hate this week.
Lets talk music. That strangely hostile subject which results in agro between friends and, if you're in Norway, death.
I am tremendously judgemental about music. I think everyone has every right to be... within reason. Personally, I hate with a burning passion the faceless, pathetic whiney nobodies infecting the popular music scene with their repetitive, repugnant crap.
The standard seems to be:
  1. No more than THREE notes may be sung in any one song. Penalty is death.
  2. Your backing track must be one riff which plays continuously for five minutes.
  3. You can't sing normally. You have to either have a piercing, nasal cacophony of vocal range; or else a ridiculously forced ethnic accent (this includes all you try hard cockney Indie get-ups).
  4. Despite all the above, the drooling, zombie minded public will fall at your feet like dominoes and practically fornicate the ground you walk on.
La Roux, for example, sounds like someone strangling a cat that's had its lungs inflated with helium. I would rather take a cheese grater to my own face than listen to this particular catastrophe of sound. Rap is another no no. That some chavvy, goggle wearing social retard gets paid more money than is owned by Switzerland to speak into a microphone about how much he's getting laid makes me want to stab pencils in my ears. What is the attraction here? How many 'songs' about bitches, hoes, guns, and asses can you physically tolerate before you start evolving backwards into a big, insecure sperm? Why the hell would you pay your own money to these bastards, to have them do nothing more than speak in time with some god-awful computerised thumping noises?

Clearly then, these particular brands of sonic-effluence appeal to a very special kind of moron, hitherto referred to as "The Public". Cynical? I certainly bloody hope so. An industry which prizes itself on moaning like a hungry 2 year old whenever somebody turns on Limewire deserves every single verbal smack in the mouth it can get. People who rise up from society's asshole and perpetuate their talentless, mindless drawling to a salivating fanbase are just as much a parasite and a waste of organs as so called 'psychics', 'mediums' and homeopathists who similarly make money out of people's utter, unending stupidity.

All this being said, this is not the point of this entry.

What I want to say, is that despite the above, I don't give two ounces of dirt what sort of music you're in to.
I don't care.
At all.
Go ahead, listen to this rubbish.
Don't you dare inflict it on me.

This, is where I'm going: I am sick to the nipples, of having to justify to other people, my particular tastes in music. I cannot stand the apparent stigma associated with certain bands that I like. Yeh, some people might get just as angry about Fall Out Boy as I have about La Roux, but that's something for you to moan about in your spare time when I'm not within earshot. Dear anyman, why does it bother you in the slightest to learn that I like FoB? Why is this suddenly a cause for you to disapprovingly shake your head as if you've found out I occasionally partake in bestiality? It's just a goddamn band. I don't tie you to a chair and force you to listen to my iTunes library- so don't hold it against me.
You know what? I do like Fall out Boy. A lot. I also like Simple Plan (despite their inherent Emo properties) and hey, what about the odd Emo song now and then? It's not like I slit my wrists to it and bloody up your lovely clean floors. I like most Punk groups (fine- not much problem in society's eyes of liking say, Green Day or The Offspring) but now and then I get the strange urge to listen to Daniel Bloody Powter- and you can't do ANYTHING about it. So stop trying.
I have a playlist with Mika songs in it.
I see nothing wrong with Abba.
Or the Lighthouse Family.
Or Panic! At the Disco.
Any of this bothering you yet? If it is, I seriously suggest you grab the nearest blunt object and propel your skull into it with whatever strength you have. You deserve the injury if my life concerns you that much.
Grow up.
Get a life.

And if you want to moan, keep it on the internet and away from my face.


Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Derren Brown Being Backwards!

WELL! What a treat I have today (imagine me saying that in a really, really modest voice). For those of you who haven't seen, there's an intriguing new advert on C4 regarding Derren Brown's new series "The Events". Sounds ominous........ *spooky noises*
The advert is intriguing mostly because it's backwards.... kinda... here it is anyway:

Ok- Obviously some enterprising little soul has already reversed this the other way so we can hear what he's saying. We'll get to that. What I have done though, is screenshotted as many visual clues in the advert as I could. Aren't I nice? I haven't been anal and produced exact times for every scene but if you have at least as many brain cells as fingers, you'll probably be able to spot them.

Without further adoing:

Right at the beginning (end??) of the clip, a truck reverses away from our venerable host... which means in the other direction of play he gets hit by a truck. Huh. Take what meaning you wish from that. What's interesting is "Red & Black" written on the front of it as it hits (reverses from) him. I'm thinking, Roulette predictions? Sounds a bit dull... other ideas?

Next up we have, apart from a few people in the background (including this newspaper reader), an advert for a pizza website. This site exists, but the pizza delivery doesn't. It just links you back to Derren's homepage. Sooo.... could he have some mentalism effect wherein he forces people to become stuck to their settees? Perhaps. Also on the site, we see date 1986, and this "Dr. Rene Marrone" name (Dr. Rene is an anagram of Derren, and "Marrone" is italian for "Brown").

There's a lot going on in the background including a workman and a couple of suits milling back and forth (forth and back?). The numbers on the lampost look like a lottery draw... I can see the "2" at the end of a two digit number, then "25", "0" (again off a two digit number), "6" and "47". Look further down for more lottery signs. I think there's a possibility that these change depending on the advert. The bird on the balloon is a tricky one. Some people say it looks like the Poland coat of arms but I think that's a long shot. Any other ideas?

Mr. Running Taxi Guy has an "O" drawn on his back. Your guess is as good as mine!

No puddle at their feet.....

Puddle. She spills her coffee cup by the looks of it. Clumsy twat.

Another website here. Again, real and giving a link to his homepage. Lots of info on it, helpfully put back into forwards speak by a forum I've found:
Sponsers accused of using subliminal messaging in their advertising
New boy on the backwards scene Brown is just 'magic'
Claim that the reverse football website is just a front for getting people to go to the Derren Brown The Event website

Club Manchester
Interested in playing backwards football? Click here to locate your nearest club
steps to mastering "the illusion" technique used by top players to slip the ball past the defence
Backwards merchandise and tickets to the 09/09/09 game are available from our shop

Wren Ordbern
(anagram of derren brown) talks to us about misdirection as the key to his goal scoring success. "It's all about making them look the other way" he tells

The date is probably important. There's also a latin motto that I can't fathom. Also from the forum though: From retsehcnamdetinu: "Ian Ducee...after he froze on the pitch" = Ian Ducee is an anagram of audience!!

Blatant lottery clue here. Nuff said.

That's the clip in reverse (or forwards... I really don't know any more), so here it is... reversed again, so it's not reversed anymore (not forwards? *Brain Aneurism*).

Which is fairly self explanatory.

Final things: One car (silver corsa) is driving... backwards... which is actually forward... basically the opposite way to the rest of the traffic, as is a single brunette right at the beginning (/end).

I'm done dictating and screen-shotting now. Enjoy breaking your brains!


Saturday, 8 August 2009

Hot Wheels

This is just a random collection of my favouritest cars... you get a prize if you can name all of them... clue- it's not a DB9...........

Friday, 7 August 2009

A lesson in stupid

This, gentlemen and ladies, is the Earth.

It's big, it's covered in people and water, and it's about 5 billion years old... ish.

These are some facts which are more or less indisputable. Here's another one:
The earth's crust is made up of plates. These smack together and make earthquakes, volcanoes etc.

Now a geologist or a geophysicist could do a more thorough job of describing geothermal activity but none of them could do it quite so controversially as proponents of the "Expanding Earth Theory".

If you've not heard of this before, don't be surprised. There's a lot of blurb on the wiki page. The biggest modern day supporter of this.... 'theory' is some yank called Neal Adams who, despite being a comic book artist, has decided he's more knowledgeable than every notable physicist, geologist, geographer, and sane-person in the history of everything ever.

The idea is that Earth has been, and is still, expanding outwards due to some... bizarre and inexplicable process of matter creation happening inside its juicy innards. Now... I won't go into the physics here but suffice to say the theory is (what's technically called) "crap". Anyway, this expansion explains everything that plate tectonics already explains fine, but in a more roundabout and convoluted way. Hooray! And clearly, this is all a big conspiracy that all the world's governments are in involved in because.... they make a lot of money from this sort of thing?

I'm sure there are plenty of scientific and psychological reasons why people feel it necessary to hold totally unreasonable, unsupported and plainly idiotic opinions when there's overwhelming evidence to the contrary. This goes out to all you "the moon landing is fake" people; or all you 9/11 conspiracy theorists- WHY do you feel it necessary to hold desperately onto your inadequately supported ideals in the face of people that actually know what they're talking about?


I've spent too long on conspiracy theorist articles and websites to hold too much anger anymore. I've moved on to despair and pity.

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

A letter

Dear Woman whom I today saw walking along the Winterfold road at the top of the hill,

Guess who's a useless, arse faced waste of oxygen, you pathetic, moronic slab of filth??

Next time a car is coming get your fat behind and your CHILD out of the road. This has been proven to avoid DEATH.

Yours faithfully,


Tuesday, 4 August 2009

I promised!

In between making websites, ripping out great swathes of garden, having increasingly surreal conversations with University mates, and moping about doing nothing (very time consuming I assure you), I've finally found a suitable moment to sit down and vent my rising hatred of everything to you, the avid and inconceivably tolerant reader base.

The object of my animosity today can begin with our home grown British media giant, the BBC.

I'd like to start by making it clear that in general, I like the BBC. They make Top Gear (inarguably the best program on TV- excuse my shallow nature), and Radio 4 comedies like The Now Show (inarguably, the best program on the radio). I don't even mind the idea of a license fee. In general the program quality is pretty decent, especially when compared to the festering affront to human decency that is the likes of Channel 4's Big Brother, or similar "here's some twats being twats: let's watch them and waste valuable brain power" dross that so often excretes its way onto our screens.

What I do have against the BBC is something very specific. It's their news reporting.
Actually, it's a certain aspect of this reporting, one which for the most part could be extended to newspapers and other TV news slots: I'm simply lugging this onto one broadcaster as they happen to be my foremost source of the news.

What I'm driving at is the kind of news reporting that makes no mention of the shocking and frankly disgusting incident in London where a taxi driver committed suicide by beheading himself; and yet has a news article listed on their front page as "Brown knackered says Downing street". I should bloody hope he's "knackered". He's getting hundreds of thousands of taxpayers pounds to sit on his fat Scottish arse and stick his oversize, flabby fist into every aspect of society in a vain attempt to fix the catastrophic damage his useless, thick headed party has caused over the past decade. If he gets anything less than a stress induced stomach ulcer he should be immediately fired and subject to the despicably inadequate state pension he's responsible for.

This is the kind of news reporting that favours the death of a deluded, faintly paedophilic, plastic pop star over human rights atrocities in Africa. That runs week after endless week of stories on how his doctor is clearly a murderer, how he may or may not have killed himself after all, and how two weeks later, he is in fact still dead. Obviously the public are as much to blame as the company here- by caring more about the death of a celebrity than of mass tortures, rapes, murders and all manner of inexcusable human atrocities in other parts of the world.

This is also, the BBC that yesterday ran a decent sized television slot about two people who've died of E-Coli in Wales, and ignored the plight of thousands of Burundians who may now face prison for homosexuality.

This is the BBC who (thanks to Marcus Brigstocke for this one) ran articles on how the weather was not quite as sunny as we'd like, and has NOTHING on their website or on their shows about the woman in Sudan facing 40 lashes for wearing trousers. Even the GUARDIAN managed to write about this one. 

Four people died in the Rhine yesterday because of flooding. Did anybody here even know Germany was flooded?

I think my point's hopefully been made here. This is a broadcaster who badly needs to re-examine what it considers to be a worthwhile news article. This is a broadcaster who needs to learn to prioritise. And sadly, this is a public who needs to get it into their collectively ignorant skulls that there is a wider world out there where people are suffering badly; that things CAN be done about it by everybody; and that Jade Goody was a fat, stupid, bigoted racist and socially useless pustule who didn't in any way deserve the vast media coverage she garnered by doing us the favour of dying.

Incidentally, if in any way this has made any minute impact on you as a reader, I'd ask that you have a look at this.