Monday, 25 April 2011

Definitely not about Easter

I have a confession to make. I don't know if there's any kind of significance with the Christian festivals going on and my need to repent, but the time has come that I can suppress the urge no longer. I must make this clear. It is this:

Justin Bieber doesn't really bother me.

Shocking right? Here I am, ranting away on the interslice, and I can't even come up with a good tirade of abuse to fling overhand at the floppy haired little twat. Now to qualify my otherwise out-of-character statement, I shall begin by saying this confession isn't nearly as shocking as admitting that I like his music [although if I did admit to such a crime, I would direct you in the direction of this]. I don't. But I don't particularly hate it any more than the insipid soup of spit that constitutes the latest chart hits.

Just looking at the website I can see at least three songs that I think are infinitely more offensive to Music than a skinny jean toting something-teen year-old warbling into an autotuner. Three of the top 100 songs have the word 'fuck' in the title. That's not to say they aren't decent songs (they aren't though), but if people are prepared to get outraged enough about Bieber, surely they'll be equally pissed off with this unseemly use of expletives in song titles?

Basically no. That would be missing the point. The people who spend night and day on their computers coming up with this sort of thing:
are probably doing it for a number of reasons, none of which are for the betterment of music in the world. Sucks to be you, you boring bastards: spending your life (ironically) dedicated to someone you self-admittedly wish would die and be gone from this life, lest his squeaky voice invoke in you such an uncontrollable rage you accidentally murder all your friends using a hacksaw and a length of cheese wire. "But Judge!" the defendant cries, "it was all that Bieber kid! His very existence is so unbearable I felt I had no choice but to embark on a dismemberment spree!". 

Partly, this is all down to personal preference. As I said, I don't like the kid. I don't like his music, his floor-cleaning haircut, or his legions of fangirls. A good friend of mine said her reason for disliking him is primarily because he represents a nobody who, through money and marketing, has reached industry-standard fame whilst retaining now outstanding qualities at all.

I completely agree. I just can't seem to get angry about it. I don't think anyone should really.

To put this in some perspective, I propose examining a few reasons people want to saw him into eight hundred and thirty little meaty cubes. I haven't done any prior research to this, but I'm sure I'll find some decent examples. Let's explore this avenue.

The Hair
Honestly? In my week working at a school I would guess that roughly 70% of boys upwards of about 14 have exactly the same cut. [Insert old-man voice here] It's just what the kids have nowadays. Personally I think it looks like a poofy dead animal smeared on his scalp. On the other hand, it looks far less crap than the likes of this:
He's from some band called the Polar Monkeys or something. I hear they're popular. He looks every bit as much of a tosser as Bieber, and I'm guessing no-one's ever threatened him with death because of it. Finally, let's not forget these two pricks.
I feel dirty for putting this up. See? These are some truly repulsive homo-fucknuggets.

The 'Hip Hop' image
I'll be honest, this is not something I'd heard of complained about before. Some people seem to have it in their sparsely occupied brains that the kid is trying to be the next Snoop Dogg because he's done some vaguely hippity-hop tunes. Then there's tirades of abuse about how he's basically a 'wigger'. Well, as I said, I'm not saying he isn't. But then...
From House of Pain
He's called "Slug"... That's er.... ''well'ard''?
And of course:


Can't Sing
Well I'm sorry- but no-one can make that judgement because no-one's ever heard him without an autotune, correct? Actually no. I found this video (watch at your own risk) of him doing a live session, and he's (whilst cringe inducing) not out-of-key. So whilst you can hate on his music all you like, don't ever accuse the little weed of being tone deaf. He can probably sing better than you (unless Susan Boyle is reading this, in which case you owe me a fiver). I'm not going to give a specific example of a different, less controversial star singing badly because you can look for yourself. Off the top of my head, Katy Perry fans should watch her live performance of 'Firework' on X Factor last year. Or don't. You'll wish you hadn't.

He's Idolised
This is slightly baffling. I guess the average 4chan user finds it intolerable that there's a young man out there who has the 12-15 year old girl fanbase almost exclusively to himself as their sole lead-singer and heartthrob. Why? 

Possibly it's jealousy. Which raises interesting questions about their tastes in females...

In terms of even-less-deserving human stains have we forgotten every Jade Goody and Jordan out there who have literally no use in society, no redeeming features, no reason to exist, no personality, and not a single IQ point between their entire population? These people get frontpage coverage for managing to evacuate their bowels unaided and would serve mankind better after being puréed  into a form of plant-food. 
All I can think is.... shame?

As is so often the case with these ramblings, I've lost interest in my own subject matter by writing about it. As a closing thought, I propose that if you've been affected by anything you've read here, consider just ignoring Justin until he (inevitably) fades into obscurity. You're not big, or clever, for picking on a 17 year old Canadian pillock when there are far more deserving scumbags to be hated out there.

Or in the words of the intro track to the Offspring album 'Ixnay on the Hombre':

"Aaaand if it offends you,
listen to it."


Friday, 8 April 2011

A week in writing

Well haven't I had the most schizophrenic personality this week? Yes I have. That was rhetorical. You can't answer me directly: I'm typing. What the hell did you think this was- a conversation?

From the dizzying tiger-blood highs of (brace yourselves) teaching successfully, to the alcoholism-inducing lows of boredom, boredom, boredom and losing things, of all the weeks I've experienced in my life, the last seven days have certainly been one of them. But fuck. I'm not here to talk about my life (see various previous blogs) but to, hopefully, mildly entertain you; the remarkably resilient reader; with useless advice and cutting word-bullets. I may cheat a bit, and use some recent occurrences as framing devices, but I promise it won't be the insipid garbage spouted by the likes of this.

First let's share some wisdom. Sharing is good. Ask Gadaffi (n. A generous Libyan dictator currently running the largest High-Velocity Bullet Donation Program in all of Africa). Here goes: Kids are idiots.

Well... some of them. Which is obvious really. Whilst apparently drooling over how cute little Johnny-Toddler is, everyone's really secretly thinking how dumb kids are. How stupid. Look at him... eating his bib, puking on Mum, burbling like a drunk hobo... he must be monumentally thick. From teaching for a week in a secondary school, it seems some young 'uns never grow out of this, and wear their idiocy on their sleeve as a mark of pride.
You wouldn't catch Einstein getting baby food all over his face.
Far be it from me to dictate that there should be some kind of minimum IQ for people. That's ridiculous. But some of these guys just don't care. They're self centred, entitled little gits who think society is a tit to be sucked on until they die of liver failure at age 25. And they're proud of this. It's probably not even their fault, but it's hard to feel sympathy when you see them twatting their classmates with textbooks for shits 'n giggles. Anyway- that's more or less all I have to say on that. There are obvious points for discussion like how there are also quite a few genuinely (surprisingly) intelligent, witty, funny, nice students at the school I just worked at. Also there's the question of why the trouble makers are in their current state (professionally called the 'Who Fucked Up?' question). But this isn't a sociological forum. Go have clever dialogue elsewhere. I'm going to rip into something else.

Actually I've decided I can put a positive spin on an otherwise quite worrying story. Nothing too topical mind: there are exactly four hundred quintillion bloggers out there finger bashing about Lord Charles of Sheen or how nuclear power is clearly dangerous because Europe is in constant danger of Mag 9 earthquakes. So let's go with this story:

For the lazy among you, the headline readeth thusly: "New York set to be big loser as sea levels rise". Very briefly, my polarity shifting attitude to this delicious little news slice is because at long last, the land of Hope and Burgers- refuge of the climate sceptic; and user of around 25% of the world's energy and home to less than 4% of the world's population- has got a reason to get down to some greenpeacing. Because if they don't, some New Yorkers will drown. This is the only way they're ever going to get the idea. Apparently knowing that half the Pacific islands will disappear isn't enough- it has to be brought home. It worked in WW2, right?

The next step. Pay attention nature.
Lastly and probably leastly, I have a literally vital* piece to say about time wasting. You know- what you're doing reading this, and what I'm doing writing it? That stuff. Time wasting benefits you in a great many ways. It makes you a stranger person: in my case, a person who knows pi to 50 decimal places, the names of every country in the world, and who has read extensively on the difference between a Fajita, a Burrito, and a Taco† and conclusively decided that hell... Old El Paso dinner kits may not be too authentically Mexican but at least they make some damn sense. On the other hand, I find that being bored is joint bottom of my list of least-favourite-feelings along with: being unable to find things, and being forced to listen to that fucking 'Friday' song. I despise, loathe, detest and hate boredom with an unquenchable passion that would make a psychologist kill themselves and all their children.

This ludicrous overreaction is due mainly to the fact that I listened to some well-intended advice a little to carefully, and now tend to analyse every waking moment to see if I'm wasting time. Do lots of people do this? Do you feel slightly dirty if you're watching TV for more than 12 seconds? Do you feel you have to reserve those less exciting activities like videogaming until you're older than Tutunkahmun and can barely walk or piss anymore? Apparently the thing I've soaked-up most from all the tidbits of info in my younger years is that doing something unproductive is a phenomenal waste of potential and you should immediately be sent to the circle of Hell reserved for the 'sloth'.

Kids, if in between beating the everliving shit out of each other (or in rare cases solving Fermat's Last Theorem) you happen to stumble across this pointless piece of literature, take this away from it:

Live life to the fullest: make every second count: be passionate in all that you do.
Unless you just feel like chilling out. As an idea, new Dr Who starts soon.

Neo "Get the hell off that computer and do something useful" phlegm

*For 'vital' read 'unimportant'
†Have you ever read about this stuff on Wikipedia?
Taco: "a traditional Mexican dish composed of a corn or wheat tortilla folded or rolled around a filling "
Fajita: "any grilledmeat served on a flour or corn tortilla. "
Burrito: "a type of Mexican food. It consists of a wheat flour tortilla wrapped or folded around a filling"
Why don't we just come up with three words for 'sandwich' and export it to North America?