Monday, 25 April 2011

Definitely not about Easter

I have a confession to make. I don't know if there's any kind of significance with the Christian festivals going on and my need to repent, but the time has come that I can suppress the urge no longer. I must make this clear. It is this:

Justin Bieber doesn't really bother me.

Shocking right? Here I am, ranting away on the interslice, and I can't even come up with a good tirade of abuse to fling overhand at the floppy haired little twat. Now to qualify my otherwise out-of-character statement, I shall begin by saying this confession isn't nearly as shocking as admitting that I like his music [although if I did admit to such a crime, I would direct you in the direction of this]. I don't. But I don't particularly hate it any more than the insipid soup of spit that constitutes the latest chart hits.

Just looking at the website I can see at least three songs that I think are infinitely more offensive to Music than a skinny jean toting something-teen year-old warbling into an autotuner. Three of the top 100 songs have the word 'fuck' in the title. That's not to say they aren't decent songs (they aren't though), but if people are prepared to get outraged enough about Bieber, surely they'll be equally pissed off with this unseemly use of expletives in song titles?

Basically no. That would be missing the point. The people who spend night and day on their computers coming up with this sort of thing:
are probably doing it for a number of reasons, none of which are for the betterment of music in the world. Sucks to be you, you boring bastards: spending your life (ironically) dedicated to someone you self-admittedly wish would die and be gone from this life, lest his squeaky voice invoke in you such an uncontrollable rage you accidentally murder all your friends using a hacksaw and a length of cheese wire. "But Judge!" the defendant cries, "it was all that Bieber kid! His very existence is so unbearable I felt I had no choice but to embark on a dismemberment spree!". 

Partly, this is all down to personal preference. As I said, I don't like the kid. I don't like his music, his floor-cleaning haircut, or his legions of fangirls. A good friend of mine said her reason for disliking him is primarily because he represents a nobody who, through money and marketing, has reached industry-standard fame whilst retaining now outstanding qualities at all.

I completely agree. I just can't seem to get angry about it. I don't think anyone should really.

To put this in some perspective, I propose examining a few reasons people want to saw him into eight hundred and thirty little meaty cubes. I haven't done any prior research to this, but I'm sure I'll find some decent examples. Let's explore this avenue.

The Hair
Honestly? In my week working at a school I would guess that roughly 70% of boys upwards of about 14 have exactly the same cut. [Insert old-man voice here] It's just what the kids have nowadays. Personally I think it looks like a poofy dead animal smeared on his scalp. On the other hand, it looks far less crap than the likes of this:
He's from some band called the Polar Monkeys or something. I hear they're popular. He looks every bit as much of a tosser as Bieber, and I'm guessing no-one's ever threatened him with death because of it. Finally, let's not forget these two pricks.
I feel dirty for putting this up. See? These are some truly repulsive homo-fucknuggets.

The 'Hip Hop' image
I'll be honest, this is not something I'd heard of complained about before. Some people seem to have it in their sparsely occupied brains that the kid is trying to be the next Snoop Dogg because he's done some vaguely hippity-hop tunes. Then there's tirades of abuse about how he's basically a 'wigger'. Well, as I said, I'm not saying he isn't. But then...
From House of Pain
He's called "Slug"... That's er.... ''well'ard''?
And of course:


Can't Sing
Well I'm sorry- but no-one can make that judgement because no-one's ever heard him without an autotune, correct? Actually no. I found this video (watch at your own risk) of him doing a live session, and he's (whilst cringe inducing) not out-of-key. So whilst you can hate on his music all you like, don't ever accuse the little weed of being tone deaf. He can probably sing better than you (unless Susan Boyle is reading this, in which case you owe me a fiver). I'm not going to give a specific example of a different, less controversial star singing badly because you can look for yourself. Off the top of my head, Katy Perry fans should watch her live performance of 'Firework' on X Factor last year. Or don't. You'll wish you hadn't.

He's Idolised
This is slightly baffling. I guess the average 4chan user finds it intolerable that there's a young man out there who has the 12-15 year old girl fanbase almost exclusively to himself as their sole lead-singer and heartthrob. Why? 

Possibly it's jealousy. Which raises interesting questions about their tastes in females...

In terms of even-less-deserving human stains have we forgotten every Jade Goody and Jordan out there who have literally no use in society, no redeeming features, no reason to exist, no personality, and not a single IQ point between their entire population? These people get frontpage coverage for managing to evacuate their bowels unaided and would serve mankind better after being puréed  into a form of plant-food. 
All I can think is.... shame?

As is so often the case with these ramblings, I've lost interest in my own subject matter by writing about it. As a closing thought, I propose that if you've been affected by anything you've read here, consider just ignoring Justin until he (inevitably) fades into obscurity. You're not big, or clever, for picking on a 17 year old Canadian pillock when there are far more deserving scumbags to be hated out there.

Or in the words of the intro track to the Offspring album 'Ixnay on the Hombre':

"Aaaand if it offends you,
listen to it."


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