Since you're reading this, you probably have the mental aptitude not to require the watery drivel disguised as 'news' that was, until today, offered by 'The World's Greatest Newspaper'. Anyway, since it's topical, I have ventured forth for you, and collected information from their very own website so you don't have to go there yourself. Here's a little summary of what was covered on the final day of publication of this bastion of journalistic integrity.
See? I'm offering a useful public service- going on their website so you don't have to. Now I have to go and wash my eyes out with soap.