Dead Dictators, Pointless Protests, and Awful Alliteration

Great hollering badgers! It's about time for another prosaic piece of pointless prose.

Funny thing is I wrote this title weeks ago and can't remember for the life of me what I was actually going to comment on. Presumably something about Muammar "Meltymeltyface" Gadaffi and his new hobby of being a corpse.

NHS treatment finally killed him

I also appear to have had the intention (I hate second guessing my past-self) to make some cutting comment on the Starbucks sipping camping fad which has kicked off in the middle of London. In case you're living under a rock, or you only watch news about things that are making some tiny iota of difference, a bunch of very keen Millets enthusiasts have been trying to break the record for World's Most Protracted Tent Show outside Jesus's London residence. They've been at this game for some weeks now since the trend spread from america like a particularly virulent form of flu, and; in a demonstration of the efficiency of self governing anarchy; have decided after several months that they do actually have a few demands which all centre around looking at the City of London's finances.

Given that the majority of these people seem to be self proclaimed anti-capitalists, I'm imagining a financial report will be to them as silver is to a werewolf, and there will shortly be a neat pile of communist corpses littering the grounds of St Pauls. At any rate, that's what they're demanding and since we've long seen the efficacy of protests, I'm sure the powers-that-be (sorry Jesus, I meant the ones in the City) will acquiesce.

Small groups of committed people, and asteroids.

Right- now that I've given a pithy summary of literally everything important going on in the entire country, you can continue about your evening safe in the knowledge that you've become a little more educated. I do perform a service, you see. Society as a whole has had some kind of collective seizure and decided that anyone with enough money to afford Tesco's Finest needs to be immediately shaken upside-down until relieved of all their change. Better put back that black forest gateau you hedonistic piece of human sputum. 

In an entirely un-planned link which ignores the adjective in the blog title preceding the word 'Alliteration', I enclose the below, since the happy campers seem intent on re-enacting the film from which it is taken. Enjoy!

-Neo "Ideas are bulletproof" phlegm

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villian by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengence; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

Blimey! Those bankers are bloody buggering bastards. 

Referendum Special

In a confusing and word-filled world, one blogger has the balls of steel to lay down the facts for you- the intelligent public. Yes that's right folks: this is the one place in the entire universe where you'll find the collated facts from both sides of the argument that will let you make a well-informed and carefully considered random decision on the future of the voting system in the UK, and therefore the well being of the 
entire
human
race.


Because that's just how important it is. I've flipped a fair, unbiased and politically neutral coin and it's told me sternly to start with the 'No Campaign'. Or as they're popularly known:




NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!(!!!!) TO AV


So what are the key points on this side of the political fence? Let's lay out the facts about this so-called 'Alternative Vote' which the so-called opponents to democracy have dared to suggest will be right for our so-called country.


AV IS COSTLY
That's right you poor bastards. This system of voting is so ridiculously expensive it'll cost an average of TWENTY FIVE BILLION pence. This is because voting would only be able to take place on brand new multi-quintilliion gigaquad quantum touchscreen voting implementation devices. 

HOW THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE MEANT TO COPE?

You wouldn't spend money on a massive cake instead of your dying son would you?
Eh?
Would you?
Well that's what this is. AV is killing children. We don't need computermabobs. We need Hospitals, Libraries, Spaceships, and Computers.


AV IS COMPLEX AND UNFAIR
See this?

This is science. PROPER REAL SCIENCE. And AV is worse. SO much worse. Look at this smart guy. He's smart and he's totally mindfucked by this shit:

WHAT THE HELL??????????

If you think of elections like a race, would you let the last person win? That would be insane right? Well that's what the Alternative Vote system would safeguard. The ridiculous rules ensure that the combination of the party with the lowest share of the highest alternative choice of vote automatically becomes the lowest high vote party in the system.

THAT MEANS THE LOWEST VOTES ALWAYS WIN! 

Do you want some nutty right-wing nazi party in power? I thought not.

AV IS A POLITICIANS' FIX

So are you happy with our government now? Well with AV, because the idiots in the general public can't agree, we might end up with more of the same government we have now. Every time we have an election the politicians will just throw all the votes in a massive bin (marked 'Rubbish') and then have a massive game of spin the fucking bottle to decide who gets power.  Like, literally. I asked them. It's true. 

And let's be honest: the last people we want to trust with important decisions about the country are the politicians. Because they're arseholes.

See that? Cocks! It's funny because it's offensive!

In conclusion, AV is a disgusting crime against our country and you must join us to stop its spread. No to AV is supported across the galaxy by businessmen, pensioners, plumbers, farmers, Jews, police officers, theatre producers and Jesus. Join them in their campaign of righteoususness®

And now for the other end:

YES! OH DEAR GOD YES TO AV!!

Before you start reading this, you'd better not be on the 'No' campaign. Anyone who even considers voting against this is a degenerate and an enemy of freedom. Only a Nazi would get in the way of this sort of progress.

AV IS THE SYSTEM OUR COUNTRYMEN DIED FOR

This, is Boris McBritsoldierguy:

Poor old man =(

He fought in all three World War Twos, and died for his country. He told us that every time he's ever voted in a General Election, his party hasn't won. Ever. Not once. This is the disgusting legacy of First Past The Post voting, where our veterans are being denied the very democracy they fought for. How ghastly. Sickening even. And all manner of other words.

AV is the only way we can absolutely guarantee that old well-meaning war heroes get their vote recognised.

Did you know?

.... that when our young men enlisted in the war against fascism, they actually signed an oath promising: "To fight for our country, our people, and the Alternative Vote system"?

AV MAKES MPS WORK HARDER

Your member of parliament is typically a lazy fat shit who doesn't care about you or your children. But under AV, they would have to work harder. Why is this? Well the reason is complex and involves scary concepts like numbers and explanations, so here's an easy way of visualising it:

How much more patronisingly obvious could it be? Don't just sit there: vote for real stuff. 

AV IS THE ONLY WAY TO STOP EXTREMISTS AND TACTICAL VOTES

In case you hadn't noticed, every single council in the UK is currently ruled by extremists; Nazis, Communists, and evil Thatcherites. This is because FPTP gives people no choice: if they don't want the Tories, Labour Party or Lieberal Democrats in power they have to employ evil tactical voting tactical tactics. What's that I hear you ask?

IT MEANS VOTING FOR THE BNP INSTEAD.

This is why the BNP are currently in charge of everything and we've seen a massive rise in racial superhate megadeathcrime. True. You know any black people? Best start saying goodbye to them. 

Unless you vote AV, that may be the last newspaper he ever reads.

If you vote 'no' on AV, you're basically encouraging people to murder black people. That's why the KKK have thrown their weight behind Cameron and his satanic cartel of evildoers. Do you want that?

Well?

Do you? Do you want that? Is that what you want? Is it? ISIT?? ISTHATWHATYOUWANT? THINKWHATYOU'REDOING!!!!!

You FUCK.

Basically, when the day comes, just think with your head, and vote however you think is best for the country. Which is blatantly a yes for AV. SERIOUSLY GUYS THERE ARE SO MANY REASONS! WHY ARE WE STILL LOWER IN THE POLLS? 

please?

######################################################################

Well there we go. I've spent literally a long, boring couple of hours typing out this shit so that you guys can make the most sensible opinion of your lives. Just vote the right way (whatever that is) else God will kill all the people you love. With fire. It matters.

As much as death.

Which is a lot.

-Neop

The Big Epic Advert Hating Rant Part1- A Recap

Once upon a time, I wrote a blog about some adverts I hated, and I said there would be more to come. I lied though, and said it would be 'that week'. Well, here I am around a year later, planning the sequel. In the meanwhile here's the first batch for you, reproduced in full, lest we had forgotten the contenders:
(Open quotes)

Inspired by being reintroduced to TV after my self-imposed televisual exile at University, I've decided to commemorate the stupidest adverts ever (that I can find) with a nice little blogging. Rather than do a countdown of the worst adverts ever (which was my original intention, but has been done many times) I'm going to pick out a few choice pieces of thick-headedness and give them my own coveted Neophlegm Patented Advert Award 2010®. Without further ado, let's see the winners!



The Duct-Tape and DVD award for Most Forced Movie Tie-In


We're probably used, by now, to the relentless capitalist empires of large firms throwing money at big Movie production companies to leisurely paste their logo all over the resulting film. Audi in I Robot and Iron Man, Sony in Terminator Salvation, iPods in.... everything. But while these at least bear a passing relation to the subject matter of the film, I think the forced-marriage of Twilight and Volvo leaves many, many questions unanswered:

The Microsoft Help Centre award for Useless Information

This category is dedicated to all those adverts which tell you absolutely bugger all about their product, under the pretence of being useful. I was tempted to award this to anything with a figure like "75% of Women prefer [Product]" but instead have to award this to any advert which includes the phrase "Up to 100%". There are plenty of these, but the one I've highlighted here is a particularly retarded Head and Shoulders advert which gives you the useful information that it can make you 'up to 100% flake free'. 

This tells you two useful things: That you may be anything UNDER 100% flake free (for example, 0% flake free, which presumably means your head is one enormous flake... yummy), and that it will never make you MORE than 100% flake free (which I imagine would mean it had an area effect which cleared other people's dandruff?). Anyway, video here if you need reminding how easy it is to baffle large groups of people with figures and crap French soundtracks.

The Mel Gibson Award for Barely Concealed Racism

There are a worrying amount of entrants in this category: of note are Sony's poorly thought out PSP ad, and this more obscure advert courtesy of an air-headed Spanish basketball team.

The runaway (pun intended) winner however, is this wonderfully bad-taste piece that appeared from Intel a few years ago, which is definitely not a concealed veil for white supremacy. Original piece on Gizmodo.

The High School Musical Award for most Cringe Inducing Soundtrack

If you're expecting a certain cereal advert for this section, I'd like you to consider that 'cringing' is not the same as 'contemplating murder'. Be patient.

This category though, I think is jointly won by two different stupid pieces of advertising garbage for two different reasons. The first winner is this pathetic attempt to appear 'cool' by one of those oh-so-trendy sofa companies DFS, who saw fit to pick out a bunch of photogenic but otherwise useless actors using a recruiting piece which probably ran "Wanted- Actors to mime horribly to utterly inappropriate soundtrack for Sofa store ad. Must have no appeal whatsoever, and dance moves that would make Michael Jackson cough up blood".

The second winner is something of a no-brainer, and doesn't really need any introduction, except to say that there probably aren't many people left who don't want to cause some amount of bodily harm to this guy.

Anyway- that does it for part 1. More to come in part 2 later this week. Keep your eyes open!

-Neop

Past midnight, Blogging is go.

Ah. So having been suitably roused by some well-meaning idiocy in our quaint student household, coupled with an overarching desire to not-sleep, I find myself as usual in a slightly pissy mood doing what I do best at this time of the night. And I don't mean clubbing children.

GOD. Children piss me off.

Not all of them mind. Mostly only the ones I see around here. Maybe it's because the more innocuous younglings don't draw any attention to themselves and I can happily ignore them in my daily routine of wake->uni->home->eat->go out [replace 'go out' with 'write blog' as appropriate]. But, living next to a run down council estate you'd be forgiven for thinking that every sub-18 year old is a badly dressed loudmouth with the IQ of a football and the public decency of Lindsay Lohan on ketamine. You can't pass a miserable, sweaty group of the jumped up little bastards without getting insults hurled vaguely at you (or anyone you're standing near) in this sort of pathetic pre-pubescent powerplay that smacks of underdeveloped brain syndrome (medically classified as being "Fucking thick").

You know the sort. 

They potter around in their little 'cru' with their stupid hair and their stupid Adidas trousers tucked into their stupid socks, feeling like entitled little dictators. I don't believe in capital punishment for one minute but I wouldn't hesitate, if I were the parent of one of the swaggering little parasites, before branding 'dickhead' on them with a hot iron. That being said, probably the average parent of one of these respiring little shit-sacks is a fat wobbling mass of cheap lager and nicotine farting their way through benefits only stopping to occasionally piss and moan about rich people. Yes fat-cat businessmen are wankers, but at least they're wankers who own yachts and aren't going to die, writhing in chest pains from a self induced heart attack, at an age where their sole achievement is contaminating the earth with their useless effing offspring.

An aside:

I'd like at this stage to add some caveats: being as we are living in an age of very loud online groups with acronyms instead of names, if more than my customary audience of about 20 readers get hold of this and feel that I've somehow implied that all council estate dwellers are in fact bottom feeding scum, I will be summarily lynched publicly and expensively. As this is the case I'll qualify this by saying firstly that I have nothing against council estates inasmuch as I can't have anything against inanimate areas of habitation: and also that I'm somehow generalising whole groups of the population (perhaps unfairly) into a category of sub-human faeces whom I utterly despise.

This second point holds some value: it's impossible to completely generalise people. You can't even say you hate Nazis because Oscar Schindler was a Nazi and he helped a whole bunch of Jews in a bizarrely altruistic way.

However I take the view that most people clever enough to type in a web address (or at least follow a hyperlink) can also realise this themselves. In this case generalisations are useful and you shouldn't have to worry about the sort of covering-your-own-ass which I am relentlessly pursuing in this very paragraph. In short: I'm picking on the people who deserve to be picked on. If you're not a stupid little cock, and your parents aren't blundering arseholes, then I'm not aiming my comments at you and please don't take offence; even if you live/lived on a council estate. By virtue of the fact you're reading this you're a completely different league of human being.

These guys obviously agree with me. You can tell because they have sunglasses on.

To resume, then.

I haven't been alive long enough to make the kind of conceited comment that this wave of human-shaped viruses is somehow a product of the current times/government/digital revolution/water fluoridation. I imagine a large majority of the older populace does just this on a regular basis. My main question though, is why does there seem to be such a divide? This is all based on the microcosm of society that I have been exposed to in my short 21 years but you rarely find people that sit in the middle of laddish-thug and what I'd call a normal person. It's an honest question and I'd be happy for some sociologist to explain to me and then give me a firm telling-off for cheapening their science by blogging about it.

Until they eradicate the stupid gene though, we're stuck with them. We even have the word 'Chav' to encapsulate the whole nauseating class into one succinct syllable for easy conversation. We as a society have clearly hunkered down and just gotten used to the fact that they exist and aren't going anywhere except possibly the old-folks home to steal things and piss on the walls. They're going to keep yelling that bystanders are gay, keep smoking from the ripe old age of twelve, keep knocking back White Lightening like it's not fermented Demon-piss, and keep getting each other knocked up so that their kind can continue to get on everyone's tits for generations to come.

And there's nothing you can do about it. Goodnight.

-Neop

A shout out for a shut up

My pet hate this week.

Lets talk music. That strangely hostile subject which results in agro between friends and, if you're in Norway, death.

I am tremendously judgemental about music. I think everyone has every right to be... within reason. Personally, I hate with a burning passion the faceless, pathetic whiney nobodies infecting the popular music scene with their repetitive, repugnant crap.

The standard seems to be:

1. No more than THREE notes may be sung in any one song. Penalty is death.
2. Your backing track must be one riff which plays continuously for five minutes.
3. You can't sing normally. You have to either have a piercing, nasal cacophony of vocal range; or else a ridiculously forced ethnic accent (this includes all you try hard cockney Indie get-ups).
4. Despite all the above, the drooling, zombie minded public will fall at your feet like dominoes and practically fornicate the ground you walk on.

La Roux, for example, sounds like someone strangling a cat that's had its lungs inflated with helium. I would rather take a cheese grater to my own face than listen to this particular catastrophe of sound. Rap is another no no. That some chavvy, goggle wearing social retard gets paid more money than is owned by Switzerland to speak into a microphone about how much he's getting laid makes me want to stab pencils in my ears. What is the attraction here? How many 'songs' about bitches, hoes, guns, and asses can you physically tolerate before you start evolving backwards into a big, insecure sperm? Why the hell would you pay your own money to these bastards, to have them do nothing more than speak in time with some god-awful computerised thumping noises?

Clearly then, these particular brands of sonic-effluence appeal to a very special kind of moron, hitherto referred to as "The Public". Cynical? I certainly bloody hope so. An industry which prizes itself on moaning like a hungry 2 year old whenever somebody turns on Limewire deserves every single verbal smack in the mouth it can get. People who rise up from society's asshole and perpetuate their talentless, mindless drawling to a salivating fanbase are just as much a parasite and a waste of organs as so called 'psychics', 'mediums' and homeopathists who similarly make money out of people's utter, unending stupidity.

All this being said, this is not the point of this entry.

What I want to say, is that despite the above, I don't give two ounces of dirt what sort of music you're in to.

I don't care.

At all.

Go ahead, listen to this rubbish.

BUT.

Don't you dare inflict it on me.

This, is where I'm going: I am sick to the nipples, of having to justify to other people, my particular tastes in music. I cannot stand the apparent stigma associated with certain bands that I like. Yeh, some people might get just as angry about Fall Out Boy as I have about La Roux, but that's something for you to moan about in your spare time when I'm not within earshot. Dear anyman, why does it bother you in the slightest to learn that I like FoB? Why is this suddenly a cause for you to disapprovingly shake your head as if you've found out I occasionally partake in bestiality? It's just a goddamn band. I don't tie you to a chair and force you to listen to my iTunes library- so don't hold it against me.

You know what? I do like Fall out Boy. A lot. I also like Simple Plan (despite their inherent Emo properties) and hey, what about the odd Emo song now and then? It's not like I slit my wrists to it and bloody up your lovely clean floors. I like most Punk groups (fine- not much problem in society's eyes of liking say, Green Day or The Offspring) but now and then I get the strange urge to listen to Daniel Bloody Powter- and you can't do ANYTHING about it. So stop trying.

I have a playlist with Mika songs in it.

I see nothing wrong with Abba.

Or the Lighthouse Family.

Or Panic! At the Disco.

Any of this bothering you yet? If it is, I seriously suggest you grab the nearest blunt object and propel your skull into it with whatever strength you have. You deserve the injury if my life concerns you that much.

Grow up.

Get a life.

And if you want to moan, keep it on the internet and away from my face.

-Neop

I promised!

In between making websites, ripping out great swathes of garden, having increasingly surreal conversations with University mates, and moping about doing nothing (very time consuming I assure you), I've finally found a suitable moment to sit down and vent my rising hatred of everything to you, the avid and inconceivably tolerant reader base.

The object of my animosity today can begin with our home grown British media giant, the BBC.

I'd like to start by making it clear that in general, I like the BBC. They make Top Gear (inarguably the best program on TV- excuse my shallow nature), and Radio 4 comedies like The Now Show (inarguably, the best program on the radio). I don't even mind the idea of a license fee. In general the program quality is pretty decent, especially when compared to the festering affront to human decency that is the likes of Channel 4's Big Brother, or similar "here's some twats being twats: let's watch them and waste valuable brain power" dross that so often excretes its way onto our screens.

What I do have against the BBC is something very specific. It's their news reporting.

Actually, it's a certain aspect of this reporting, one which for the most part could be extended to newspapers and other TV news slots: I'm simply lugging this onto one broadcaster as they happen to be my foremost source of the news.

What I'm driving at is the kind of news reporting that makes no mention of the shocking and frankly disgusting incident in London where a taxi driver committed suicide by beheading himself; and yet has a news article listed on their front page as "Brown knackered says Downing street". I should bloody hope he's "knackered". He's getting hundreds of thousands of taxpayers pounds to sit on his fat Scottish arse and stick his oversize, flabby fist into every aspect of society in a vain attempt to fix the catastrophic damage his useless, thick headed party has caused over the past decade. If he gets anything less than a stress induced stomach ulcer he should be immediately fired and subject to the despicably inadequate state pension he's responsible for.

This is the kind of news reporting that favours the death of a deluded, faintly paedophilic, plastic pop star over human rights atrocities in Africa. That runs week after endless week of stories on how his doctor is clearly a murderer, how he may or may not have killed himself after all, and how two weeks later, he is in fact still dead. Obviously the public are as much to blame as the company here- by caring more about the death of a celebrity than of mass tortures, rapes, murders and all manner of inexcusable human atrocities in other parts of the world.

This is also, the BBC that yesterday ran a decent sized television slot about two people who've died of E-Coli in Wales, and ignored the plight of thousands of Burundians who may now face prison for homosexuality.

This is the BBC who (thanks to Marcus Brigstocke for this one) ran articles on how the weather was not quite as sunny as we'd like, and has NOTHING on their website or on their shows about the woman in Sudan facing 40 lashes for wearing trousers. Even the GUARDIAN managed to write about this one. 

Four people died in the Rhine yesterday because of flooding. Did anybody here even know Germany was flooded?

I think my point's hopefully been made here. This is a broadcaster who badly needs to re-examine what it considers to be a worthwhile news article. This is a broadcaster who needs to learn to prioritise. And sadly, this is a public who needs to get it into their collectively ignorant skulls that there is a wider world out there where people are suffering badly; that things CAN be done about it by everybody; and that Jade Goody was a fat, stupid, bigoted racist and socially useless pustule who didn't in any way deserve the vast media coverage she garnered by doing us the favour of dying.

Incidentally, if in any way this has made any minute impact on you as a reader, I'd ask that you have a look at this.